Ah, pizza. Multiple mounds of melted, magnificently manufactured mozzarella shelter a circular, sweeping, savory sauce covering a curved, copious, crunchy-chewy crust. The delight of many people all around (though it originated in Naples, Italy) is so popular that many languages still call it pizza. Even the Arabic word for pizza, “بيتزا,” sounds like “pizza!”

In fact, what is better than a nice, steamy pizza pie? Some would say that the delectable, greasy sensation dashing through the taste buds and down the gullet of a hungry teenager represents the epitome of life fulfillment, but upon consideration, I have created a short list of five things in life which seem to accomplish more than the average pizza.

  1. Milkshakes
Looks pretty round to me…

Some argue that a pizza’s effectiveness comes directly from its versatility and well-roundedness. Well, milkshakes, coincidentally, take the shape of their container, so they can be incredibly round in the right glass while pizzas remain bumpy and uneven no matter how skilled the chef. Also, many argue that pizza takes its success from its retention of quality when served cold. However, milkshakes are created to be served cold, so they naturally fill their delicious purpose more effectively by their very nature.

  1. Investing in the Bond Market

The bond market has long been known for its reliability and monetary (albeit small) reward for investors. However, when you buy pizza, you end up paying money to get it, which is a loss of funds. At this point, it’s simple math. Gaining money > losing money. Also, Mrs. Ochs, the AP Macroeconomics teacher at Jesuit, talks about the bond market significantly more than pizza, and she seems to know many things about money and monetary security. This example was on a microeconomics level, but even on a macroeconomics level both stimulate the economy so there is no direct advantage to either side there.

  1. The Jesuit Cross Country Team

Cross CountryThe Jesuit Cross Country Team works hard and accomplishes their goals. Pizza doesn’t do any work (although there is entropy, it is in the form of thermal energy, not Joules).  Pizza doesn’t break any track records, run marathons, or compete in UIL State Championships. Not only does pizza not jump, but it can’t even move independently!

  1. Snapchat Lenses

rainbow mouthSnapchat lenses are fun, creative, and an entertaining way to entertain our friends when they are bored. Pizza can sometimes be fun, seldom shows creativity, and only entertains friends when they are hungry. Furthermore, you can’t download a pizza, or get it for free on the App Store. And while technology advances at a breakneck pace, as of yet there remains no possibility of sending a pizza via Snapchat.  That said, using three different Snapchat lenses per day elicits a similar societal ramification to eating three different pizzas per day- people tend to think you’re a little weird. However, Snapchat lenses have 0 calories, for those of us who care to care about our physical health.

  1. The Skyline High School Band

Simple: The Skyline band has moves. Pizza has no moves like these. Even Aidan Leahy ’16 gets in on the action!

Skyline Band

After this litany of reasons, why should anyone claim to grant culinary divinity to any food? Pizza is a great way to eat a doughy, greasy, topping-covered wheel of food, but it fails to establish for certain any sort of undeniable perfection that its reputation would claim.