Friday, March 29, 2024

The Roundup is the Jesuit Dallas Student Voice and Newspaper since 1942. Learn about us.

Humor/Satire

Humorous or Satirical Student Views, Opinions, and Commentary

Hell has happily tortured damned souls for the last several thousand years below the Earth's surface. But Director of Operations, Satan, has found a new campus that increases misery in ways the demons had never dreamed of.  "As excited as I am to move to California, I have mixed emotions," Satan said in a recent interview, "I'm afraid because Gavin...
Harvest Hill Traffic Light Harvests Hell on Earth Abstract It’s three minutes before the 8:50 a.m. bell rings for the first class – or just three minutes away from when your extra-curricular instructor kindly requested you show up. Maybe you’re a senior and you had a long lunch after service and are racing back to make that mandatory(?) class meeting at...
On April 15th, 1955, the world became a better place. For 67 years, McDonald's has been producing some pretty great food, but it gets a bad rap despite that. Here is the case for McDonald's. What people (falsely) say Fake Food Let's start with the elephant in the room, or fake plastic elephant, to be more specific. For decades people have been...
Class tensions have always been at the forefront of controversy in American politics throughout American history. It has been a centuries-long battle between rich and poor. Yet, people always forget how hard the rich have it. It's time to change that by forgiving student loan debt! Medical School and Law School are expensive! Those student debts are the only things...
As gas prices skyrocket, the mere dollar bill won’t cut it. So here's a "Modest Proposal" for the oil companies.  Chevron, who recently partnered with Apple and Amazon, is always in need of cheap child labor; build a clever cost-effective program so that you can sell your kids for gas. And it’s a great deal too, for one child...
As the war between Russia and Ukraine grows more violent every day, both Putin and Zelenskyy fear for their lives. And according to recent evidence, the Russians plan to neutralize possibilities of American interference. While we don't know much about the tech, the CIA has deciphered that the S.T.A.I.R.S. (systematic tripping and intentional retribution structure) functions by deactivating Biden's calves...
OPINION - Jesuit Dallas shouldn't read Sophocles' plays, and instead should begin the progressive movement to cancel this sexist and bigoted writer. Now, I didn't know much about this guy (he doesn't have a Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, or TikTok (I even tried looking up his Facebook, no dice (follow me @JezStudent100))), but after reading some of his work, I...
To say band is “just kids playing instruments” is to say that football is merely a pastime involving leather balls, or that hockey is simply glorified figure skating with sticks. Jesuit Administration's Confession First and foremost, Jesuit classifies band, alongside football and hockey, as an athletics credit. According to the Jesuit website, the band receives not only Fine Arts credit but...

About Viewpoints

The Roundup invites all students to submit articles that reflect their personal perspectives regarding politics, culture, student life, sports, art, music, or hobbies.

Articles should be written in a respectful tone, with language reflecting thoughtful and accurately researched discourse and, at all times, supporting the mission of the newspaper and the Jesuit Dallas community.

The Roundup will publish all articles that meet these guidelines without regard to endorsing any particular point of view.

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